I Don’t Want to Leave You in 2016.

A week after I married My Annoying, I found out I was pregnant. 😱

I planned to get pregnant soon after, but this was not exactly what I was thinking. I guess nothing ever is.

From mid October until now, I have been sleeping, A LOT. 

I have barely made it to work on time; & I have barely cleaned my house; & I have barely been cooking for my family; & I have been so mean to everyone I love, because I was so disappointed in my lack of achievement.

I guess when you’re pregnant you chalk it all up to just that, being pregnant.

I didn’t blog, because I only had complaints to share. & with my sense of humor, I would just be making fun of myself. I was in the midst of crazy, & I barely made it out alive. 

In fact, all of me didn’t make it out alive.

On Tuesday, December 13, 2016, I found out that my baby “stopped growing”. 

I also found out it may take weeks for my body to realize same, & my pregnancy symptoms would continue until that realization.

Christmas came (& thanks to my family, Tuna actually had one). I didn’t put up a tree, I didn’t send Christmas cards, & I didn’t even get Tuna a picture with Santa. 

Along with my unborn baby, hope had died in me.  

Often when I experience turbulence, I visualize the future & how whatever I’m going through will be worth it when “that great day” comes. But now “that great day”, the birth my beautiful child, will never come. 

I felt as though this pregnancy was in vain. Even though, I know now that it wasn’t.

I needed to slow down. I needed to appreciate everyone in my life again. & I needed to forgive myself for not being prefect. 

I don’t know if you’ve had a miscarriage before, but the first thing I did was blame myself. 

“I did drink Red Bull(s), I never drank those with Tuna’s pregnancy.” 

“Me and My Annoying have been fighting more than normal.”

“I let myself stress out too much.”

& contrary to that self blame mind pattern, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first 12 weeks for reasons beyond the mother’s control. I just happened to be 11 weeks when I found out. 

I’m still struggling, but I feel like there is more love inside my heart than there was before, like my little angel is with me telling me everything is okay and everything will always be okay.

I’ve become more present in everything & more aware of my reactions that unnecessarily spread negativity.

When tragedy happens, you can be sad & still be joyful. You can honor whatever/whomever that was & still live now. You have to. 

Busy Mommy of Tuna

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